Lampasas Comes to Austin

Oct 16, 2009 This is an extra long note. If you don’t know my middle sister, Candace, you won’t think this is funny. If you do know her- you will be able to picture everything that is happening. She asked me to document our time on the phone yesterday. She had to take her daughter to the doctor here in Austin (red flag #1). Her daughter hurt her knee moving some furniture. I asked my sister whether they owned the little furniture mover thingies that you slide under the legs so even a frail granny could move them. She said no. I highly encouraged her to get some if she was going to force her sweet little daughter to do hard labor. So, I talked to her on Wednesday about this and she indicated that she was going to go through Marble Falls and up 71. Sounded good. Straight shot. I assumed she would mapquest it and be good to go. But, in the back of my mind, I had this feeling. I had this intuition. I felt like it was not going to work out so well. I just know Candace. She used to have trouble coming to my house when I lived up North and my house was 2 blocks off the road she would drive in on. She has lived in a small town for quite some time and has not had the opportunities to hone her big city drivin’ skills. So, I get this call from her at 1425 yesterday. She said, “Amanda, I needed to exit on 360 off 183, but I missed it. Those people would not let me over!!! Now I am on Mopac.” I instantly wanted to laugh, but I could hear the low level of panic simmering in her voice. So, I purposely started using a very calm voice. I said, “Candace, what part of Mopac are you on?” She said, (in a semi- high pitched voice), “Ummm, umm, Far West! I see Far West.” I said, “Ok, now tell me exactly where you were supposed to go?” Candace- “I just couldn’t get over! No one would let me over?!! Uhhh, I was supposed to go 360 to Bee Cave Road, left on Bee Cave, and then the office.” I said, “Don’t worry, you are not too far away, you have plenty of time to get there. 35 minutes is way more time than you need to get there. Keep going down Mopac, and exit 360. There is a right exit and a left exit, so you need to stay right (mistake #1) and go right. When you get on 360, you go a few miles until you see Bee Cave. Now, instead of taking a left like they told you- you need to go right. Because you are coming in from a different direction, go right. Real easy (red flag/mistake #2).” Candace- (breathing heavily, almost hyperventilating) “Ok. I think I need to call them and tell them I will be late.” Me- (almost yelling) “No! (yet remaining calm because I knew if she had ANYTHING else to distract her from the task, it would be disaster) You have time, don’t worry (WORRY!!! BE VERY WORRIED!)” I hung up the phone and continued folding one of 5 loads of clothes. It was 1435 when I hung up. My phone rang again at 1439. Guess who. The voice on the other end had an even higher pitch and she was speaking quickly, “Amanda, oh my God. Now I am on Cesar Chavez!! I was in the right lane (remember my mistake #1? Telling her to stay right?) and it was exit only and NO ONE would let me over! Why, oh why, won’t those people let me over!! What is wrong with them!!!!” Me-“ Candace. Candace!! Calm down (the normally jokey sister that would make fun of her at a moment’s notice had to leave the room. I could tell that panic attack/crap in her pants Candace was about to come out. I could feel the biggest laugh trying to burst from within me and I had to push it down. I was thinking that Candace should not be allowed to drive alone. But, then I realized that this was good experience for her and it was building up her skill base.) Ok, tell me if you see Lamar Boulevard. If you do, take a left on it.” Candace- “Ok, I’m, ummmm, I see it! (I could hear relief in her voice) Oh no! I can’t go right! (For Austinites that know, I forgot that you had to take the left and then right).” Now at this point I began to get the picture of how Candace looked in her car: She was sitting on the edge of her seat. Her back was straight and had not touched the seat since she missed the 360 exit. I imagine her gripping the steering wheel tightly and looking frantically back and forth (whether she needed to or not) for any sign of the way to go. I see her rocking back and forth, her teeth gritted, mouth slightly parted, and her eyes squinted. I can see her on the verge of panic as she had to drive with all the Austin people. By this time, Chelsi was awake (thank goodness, a calming force in the car. Someone else who could help navigate). Me- “oh, I forgot about that just keep going. You now need to look for first street. You see the lake beside you on the right, right?” Candace- “Yes (kind of tight squeal sound). What road??!!??” Me-“First Street.” (Time 1440) Candace- “I see San Antonio.” Me- “No, First Street and go right.” Candace-“ First Street! I see it! Which way? Which way?!!” Me- “Right (who gave this girl a driver’s license? Coach Mutschink?) You should be going over a bridge and look for a bat sculpture on the right and turn right.” Candace-“Water. Bridge. I see the bat!! I’m going right.” Me- “Now, keep going straight, you should see an Aussies and a Whataburger soon (mistake #3, forgot what road she got on.).” Candace-“No, no. Palmer Events Center. Palmer Events Center. Oh, I am going around a circle thing! (there is a weird traffic circle that is confusing to even Austinites. Great, I sent her down that road!)” Me- “it’s ok. Just go around the traffic circle (please pay attention to other cars so you don’t have a head on collision!!). You are going by Zilker Park. You should see a train track you will go under soon and get into the left lane. You can only go left or right, so go left.” Candace- (in a kind of dreamy voice) Oh, it’s a park. I see people over there! Train track! Oh my god, I am in the right lane!!! I can’t get over.” Me- “yes you can. Put on your blinker and try to get over.” Candace-“Hmm, no outlet.” Me-“Get in the left lane. You do not want to go into the Zach Scott Theater parking lot.” (time (1445). Candace-“Why won’t these people let me over?? (theme of the day. Note to self, teach Candace not to wait until the last minute to get over)” Me- “Just get over (and I wanted to yell that but calm, soothing sister was in charge).” Candace- “I got over! I am turning left!!!” Me- “Get into the right lane now and turn right on Barton Springs.” Candace-“I am turning.” Me- “Now go until you come to a big curve to the left and you will go under a big road. Which is Mopac. Now, when you get around the curve, pay close attention to the lanes and where it says you can turn. One is a turnaround, one is a left turn only, and another, you can go straight. GO STRAIGHT!!!” Candace-“I see the light and I see the turn lanes. Oh God, which lane do I get in!! Oh, I see the straight one. Do I go straight?” Me- “Yes (good Lord, how many times must I say it!!!). Go straight and do not turn until you get to 360. You will go right.” Candace –(I am having to do all this talking in real time with her. With each new landmark, I had to reassure her to continue on. Time 1450). I see a light. Do I turn here? Chelsi, what is that road? Barton something. Oooo, there is a garage sale (she is losing focus. I must bring her back)” Me- “NO do not turn there, go straight!” Candace- “Ok, we are going through the light. Oh, look over there Chelsi, there is that exit we should have taken off Mopac (uhh, yea!). All the other cars are taking this other little road! Oh, I better get over!” Me-“ Yea, that goes to the mall! Get over now and go straight.” Candace-“(excitedly) I see a road. Chelsi what is that? 360? Yea!! And I go right?” Me- Yes, go right (time 1455). Again, Candace almost has to turn into the mall parking lot because she is in the turn only lane. I assure her to keep going straight until she comes to Bee Cave. I thought we were smooth sailing. Me-“Tell me exactly what your original directions said. Have Chelsi read them.” Chelsi-“183 to 360. Bee Cave road and take a left. 5656 Westlake on the left” Me- (in a very direct and slow manner) “When you get to Bee Cave, you are going to go RIGHT on it.” Candace- “Right? I thought left?” Me- “you are coming from the opposite direction, so you will go right.” Candace- “Ok, so right on Bee Cave and right to the doctor’s office?” Me- (I wanted to yell this out and laugh, but I said it calmly) “No, you will still go left off Bee Cave to the doctor’s office, but go RIGHT off 360 to Bee Cave.” (Time 1458). Candace-“ I see Bee Cave (she said with a relieved sigh). I am turning. Macaroni Grill? HEB?” Me- (with eyes rolling and the laugh inching off the end of my tongue) “Candace, you turned into the shopping center, turn around and get out.” She spent about 3 minutes trying to find her way out. She was turning here and there, going to and fro. I hope we never put her in a paper bag. Candace-“I am back to where I can get out now. I am turning onto Bee Cave now.” Me-“ Tell me the address again. Ok. Now I want Chelsi – NOT YOU- to look at the building numbers and find where you need to go.” Candace- “there it is!!!! There it is!!! Oh my God, we made it.” Me- “Call me BEFORE you get back onto Bee Cave and I will tell you how to get out of there.” She did call me and it turns out that she should have gone through Marble Falls because Bee CAVe road crosses 71 and it would have taken her directly to the doctor’s office. She called me later that day gratefull that I answered my phone. She said if I had not, she would have had a heart attack. I don’t think she was lying, either. Now I just pray that the MRI my niece has to get is at the Seton Burnet, because if it is in Austin, I will have to take off work to go get her and take here where she needs to go.