Down the Slippery Slope

May 27, 2007 - Sunday Down a slippery slope Category: Life Wherever my husband and I go, we always seem to be slowed down by his need to take care of his bodily functions. Me, I can hold a pee for hours and be fine. Only after about 3 hours of holding it and drinking a lot of fluids in the meantime does my need to pee ever become an emergency. With him, everytime is an emergency. No, it is not his prostate, this is how it has always been. So, after 14 years I should be used to it. But I am not. To top it all off, we have a toddler we are trying to potty train. So, the concern over peeing and pooping is at an even greater level than normal. Today we went on our normal Sunday outing to the library, only to find it was closed. We decided to go to the UT Tower because there is a fabulous pond behind it that is filled with turtles. I could not remember where to park to get there, so we parked by the stadium. I had forgotten that the stadium was about a half a mile from the Tower. No biggy, our son needed to burn off some energy. We parked and immediately my husband decided that he really needed to pee. My son and I walked around the Alumni Center courtyard looking at statues of Bevo, some horses, and a cowboy while my husband went to the souvaneir (?) shop to use the restroom. He came out and said they had no public restroom. I noticed that there was a memorial service going on in the Alumni Center, so I told him to go in. Heck, he was wearing a grey shirt, he could have easily been a mourner. My son and I discussed the makeup of the statues while he went inside. He came out again without finding a restroom. I knew what was coming next, my husband would have to pee outside. He rushed ahead of us and down a trail leading to a creek. Soon, he came back- a victor. I could see the relief on his face. He asked me if I saw him fall. I immediately started laughing and said no. As an aside, my husband has a really big problem with falling. He seems to fall all the time. Usually it is in the privacy of our own home as he goes up the stairs. In fact, tonight he almost ripped the end of his big toe off. How you lacerate your toe on stairs, I will never know. The last big fall was at my niece's birthday party when he tripped over a stake holding down a moonwalk. I missed the actual fall, but I heard that he bounced back up from the ground like he was on a trampoline. The family still talks about this. So, anyways, we are all on a bridge over the creek. My husband points out some old timey, rock stairs leading down to the creek. They were wet rain and mossy. He said he was going down the stairs and turned to see if anyone was around before he peed. He said as he turned, both of his feet slipped out from under him and he went airborne. He landed on his left butt cheek. He said it was like a cartoon fall. He showed me the back of his pants and they had nasty green moss stains on them. His hands were also covered in a green funk, like he was turning into the swamp thing. We walked up to one of the big water fountains on the UT campus so he could wash off a bit. So that was his story. Now for mine. My husband gets so irritated with me because whenever something happens to him, I embellish the story. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. So, I asked him if I could write my version as long as I told his version first. Here is how I see it: he walks down the mossy slippery stairs. He unzips his pants and starts to pee, when he decides he better look around to make sure no one is watching. As he turns, he falls like he described it above. He hands slips off of his, you know, and he can't stop the peeing as he falls. The pee is spraying everywhere and it like a fountain- getting his pants all wet and as he continues to fall the pee begins to spray onto his head. He finally lands and the pee has stopped. He is laying on his right side and slides down the slippery moss rocks a few feet. He is finally able to zip his pants and make his way back to his family. You can decide which version you think is true.