Feet of Craziness

About 10 years ago, I went to a local running store called Runtex to have them tell me what type of shoe I should wear to run. I'd been getting blisters on my arches, so I knew su'mn was up. Mr. Shoe Salesman/Running Expert watched me walk and said I pronated (turned my feet in) when I walked. He sold me the right type of shoe. As I recall, the blisters went away. However, after a few more months, I developed achilles tendonitis. So, I stopped running. A few months back, I took it up again. All was going pretty well, I got up to 4.5 miles. And then, the bottom of my right foot started hurting more (it had been sore for about a year) and my left front part of the ankle started to hurt, too. I started to lose range of motion and my calves were very tight. I finally decided it was time to go to the doctor. The podiatrist diagnosed me with plantar fascitis on the right and anterior tibialis tendonitis on the left. Apparently, the pronation pretty much caused all the problems. Great, if I'd listened to Mr Shoe Salesman 10 years ago, I wouldn't be going through all of this! The podiatrist sent me to physical therapy. Now that you know the background, the real story can begin.

Earlier today, I decided it was time to stop doing this getting well business half ass. I've been going to PT for 2 weeks and sort of doing my home exercises. The healing wasn't happening fast enough and I knew part of the problem was my non-compliance. So after work I went to Runtex to buy the special anti-pronation shoes I should have bought a month ago. The nice, but distracted sales guy wasn't so bad. He didn't think my giant feet looked so giant. So sweet. I trekked down to the mall to buy the podiatrist recommended OTC inserts. Once home, I started the on-my-way-to-PT preparation. Ladies, you know when you are going to see your gynecologist- there are certain "preparations" that must occur before you get there. If you get to go home BEFORE you go- you are set. Shower, clean underwear. The works! But, if you have to go straight from work, man, you have to plan ahead! Clean underwear in your purse and some sort of cleansing cloth/baby wipes. Thorough wipe down in the work bathroom if the doc is close by or thorough wipe down at his office if the drive is too far. You may never have body odor and never have that not-so-fresh-feeling, but you have this sense that on the drive over- your crotch will start to grow some sort of mildew or fungus.With my PT preparation, I wash my feet, change my socks, and put on different shoes. Today, I trimmed up my new inserts, put them into my expensive ass shoes, and put on my clean socks. I strutted around the house in them, feeling quite secure and properly aligned. I noticed that my legs were pretty hairy, so I did a quick dry shave. Bad idea since my legs were lizard skin dry. But, I had to shave. The PT is down there all up in my foot business, so I have to be fresh and clean. The last thing I want, is to be "that patient." The stinky foot cheese hairy leg patient. Yea, I know most of their patients probably have reeking feet, but I wanted to be the exception. When Gerta thinks back about me 8 years from now, I want her to remember me fondly. That cute, big footed chick who smelled like Bath and Body Works. On my drive to see Gerta I had a sudden realization, "oh friggin' no. I forgot to wash my feet." No turning around to go home, I'd be late. Could stop at CVS. Nahh. Too much Christmas stuff on sale I'd want to buy. I decided I'd get to the PT office and go into the restroom and do a quick wash. But, I wasn't sure I'd be able to get into a one holer. The multi-stall bathrooms would be quite tricky. Yea, I could wash in the sink, but the chances of another person entering the bathroom was pretty high. And, with my foot hiked up into the sink, I'd look pretty ridiculous. As I pondered my predicament, I remembered, "hey, I've go hand sanitizer. Hand santizer cleans stuff." Therefore, I removed my shoes and clean socks, slathered on sanitizer, and massaged it into my feet. I wiped it off with the gym towel I had lying in my passenger seat. When I strolled through the office building and into the PT office, I felt fresh and anew. I was ready for Gerta and her 6 foot frame. When I saw her standing there with her elastic waisted khaki slacks, pulled up high on her waist, polo shirt tucked in, broad shoulders, and thick manly thighs- I was ready. I was finally ready to be compliant. I was ready to be putty in her thick meaty paws. Massage away Gerta. Stretch away Gerta. My feet smell nice, my shoes align my bones, my inserts support my arch. I'm ready Gerta. Get to it.