Living Will for my Hair

I was pondering what would happen to me if I became incapacitated and how my family would deal with my basic personal care. It is odd to think about who (other than yourself) you would want bathing you, wiping your “area,” plucking your eyebrows, trimming your toenails, and waxing/bleaching your mustache. I feel pretty confident that most people in my family could handle any of the described. Mom and Candace have been formally trained in the bathing and personal care of bedridden people. The rest of my family could help deal with the basic care, as most perform some sort of personal hygiene (on at least an every other day basis). What does concern me most about my personal care and who could do it- is the care of my hair. The thought of that task going to someone else causes some anxiety for me. And, I feel sorry for those that may be charged with that task. Therefore, I feel compelled to write down the steps for its care. I will address the care of my hair if I am incapacitated, but still alive AND how to fix it in the event of my passing. The last thing I want people to see when I am in a coffin is some ratty, crazy hair. Not what you really want to be thinking about at age 35, but imagine if you were the person at the funeral home fixing my hair. Wouldn’t you like some sort of instruction on what makes it look best?




In the event of temporary incapacitation where I am either unable to use my arms or intubated, sedated, and lying in the ICU, here are your instructions.

1. As soon as possible after admission or my incapacitation, work with the nurses and let them know you MUST wash my hair. I have never used the no rinse shampoo, so you need to get creative to actually wet my hair and shampoo it.

a. Though you will be upset about my health, you have to know that if you do not take care of this within the first couple of days- my hair will become a big matted mess of hair.

2. Using a WIDE TOOTH COMB and while my hair is WET- start brushing out the tangles

a. You will be amazed at how tangled it is.

b. Start at the bottom of my hair and brush out tangles. Proceed on up the scalp.

3. Brush the hair straight, while still WET, and put it in a ponytail holder. Braid the ponytail.

a. If you take the time to brush it out straight and braid it- the next time you need to wash my hair there will be about 95% less tangles for you.

4. If you are absolutely unable to wash my hair with water- you still need to address the hair during the same timeframe

a. Use a spray bottle with water and wet the hair in sections and brush the tangles out of each section.

b. After all the tangles are out, wet is a thoroughly as possible and follow step 3 above.

5. If I was rendered helpless for days before you found me, yet I survived, my hair will probably already be in the super matted state.

a. After attempting to brush the tangles out, if you find that it is an impossible job- I know that you will have to cut it all off. I will be sad about it when I wake up, but I will understand.



If I am permanently unable to care for my hair or if I die, I want you (or the funeral home person) to know how to make it look the best. I prefer you not pull it up and braid it everyday. On some occasions, I would like for you to “fix it up real purty.” It is easy for my hair to look like a hot mess, so hopefully this will be a good guide for you.

1. The best way to brush my hair out, is in the shower. After washing it with a decent shampoo (I prefer Aveda, but over the counter will do as long as it is not too cheap. Nothing moisturizing, though. The curls won’t work if the hair’s too soft), apply a lot of conditioner. About the palm of your hand.

2. Using the wide tooth comb, brush it out as described above.

3. Rinse thoroughly

4. Gather the hair in sections in the palm of your hand and squeeze it gently up the scalp, gathering (scrunching) it up the scalp. Squeeze out as much water at possible.

5. Using the towel, gently squeeze the excess water out as described above.

6. DO NOT put a brush or comb to the hair after rinsing.

7. Apply Aveda Phomollient mousse (yes, it’s expensive, but it works) in sections using the scrunching method. Make sure all sections of hair get moussed, or it will be frizzy.

a. The trick here is to be gentle with the hair, otherwise you will break up the curls. Don’t flounce it around or stick your fingers up in the hair and shake it around. Hairstylists do this and it really messes it up!

8. Using a hair dryer with a diffuser (key ingredient here), scrunch the hair gently up in sections and direct the air into your hand.

a. Do this on all sections. Be extra gentle with the hair on the top of the head near the scalp. Messing around too much with it will make it get frizzed.

b. If parts start to look frizzy, apply some hairspray to those parts to keep the frizz from magnifying.

c. After the hair is almost all the way dry, if the dryer has a cold air function, do that all over the hair. At this point, you don’t have to scrunch anymore, but don’t let the dryer blow the hair all over the place. The diffuser should prevent it, but sometimes people go a little nuts.

9. Apply hair spray as needed to frizzy spots.

10. After an hour or so, check back on the hair. After it has rested for a while, it sometimes draws up some more and some frizz appears. May need a little more hairspray.

11. If the funeral home is doing this, they need to follow the steps as much as possible so I look nice.

12. That is all there is to it.



Yea, it’s a weird instruction manual, but it’s necessary. It will be a part of my living will someday.

Blog Written By Ray Dec 2009

I have never claimed to be some sort of tough guy. I would like to think that I could take care of myself if it came down to it. I have never been afraid of people or things as long as the sun was up or a light was on. Let me tell you about me being scared. Darkness has never been a close and personal friend of mine. My imagination runs rampant when the lights go out. So when my 2 1/2 year old woke up at 115 this morning screaming for her mother, I was concerned. She will usually lay in bed and cry at times but she is still asleep. My daughter will usually settle down and stop hollering just after a couple of minutes. But, this time rather than going back to sleep she said "don't touch me and leave me alone" and screamed in terror. Upon hearing these words, I just FREAKED! The hands of time instantaneously turned back about 25 years. So there I lay, a 6'1" 245 pound 10 year old with my mind just spinning out of control. I remember seeing all of the horror movies as a kid. All of the spookies and creepy crawlies and things that had no business in my sight or in my mind were making there long absence known. I asked my wife if she wanted to get my daughter and bring her into the bed with us. She said no and got up to check on my daughter. Well my wife got her to calm down and got her settled back in. She told me that my daughter was running a fever and was probably in a lot of pain. I thought all was well but there came the screams again and my wife brought her into our room. She asked if I wanted to go to the other room to get some sleep. I assumed that it was just because my wife does worry about our children when it comes to sickness and this was a way for her to monitor my daughter's breathing patterns while sleeping and make sure that she is OK. I did go to the other room and she slept with my daughter in our bed. I lay there until about 4 am because I am who I am- unable to go back to sleep for the fear of what she saw in her room! The working part of me wishing to fall asleep, the dad part of me wanting to go into my daughter's room and investigate, and the little boy part of me just laying there staring at the ceiling worrying about every little noise that I heard. As though I was not scared enough last night- my wife just called me and told me another detail that was left out of our conversation in the wee hours of the morning (she said she did not want to tell me at the time because she knew I would be scared. The second or third time my wife got up and went into our daughter's room, she said Tanner was in the corner of her bed sitting there crying and pointing to the opposite end of the bed. She mentioned something about that thing bothering her. So all of the screams that I thought were just bad dreams now have a new definition. I am getting goose bumps just thinking about it. If anyone drives past my house tonight, every light in the house will be on. Yea, like I am going to be able to go to sleep. Especially if my wife goes to work. I am such a chicken.